Arianna's Birth Family

Many people have asked about how we were going to tell Ari about adoption. I never plan to have a sit down chat to announce to her that she is adopted. We hope that it is something that she will grow up always knowing. 
We show her pictures of her birth parents and explain to her that she came from Lindsey's tummy (we will share more details as she gets older).  Part of her knowing she is adopted is knowing her birth parents and family. That is a relationship that we are still figuring out. But we started what I hope will become a tradition this past weekend up in Kansas City. 

Tyson and his mom met us at our hotel and we had dinner together. It took about 10 minutes for Arianna to warm up to them, but then she had a blast.

We had a great time getting to know each other better. We found out that Ari gets her height from Tyson's side. She has a biological half-sister who is 4 and the height of a 6 year old! So these growth spurts will not be slowing down! 

  

  

We were also able to meet with Lindsey and her family on Saturday. We met in the hotel, let Ari get comfortable, went swimming, then went to the Kansas City Aquarium. Ari pulled Lindsey around the entire aquarium and loved being the center of attention. 

Ari absolutely loved it! As you can tell it was very difficult to get her to look at anything besides the fish :) It was a perfect day.

Adoption Frequently Asked Questions

These are some questions that Ben and I have been asked in regards to the adoption process. I have tried to keep my answers short, but if you want any more detail or have any other questions, leave a comment.

What made you decide to adopt?

About a year after we were married, we found out that we could not have children naturally and infertility treatments weren't the right direction for us. We decided to pursue adoption.

What is an open adoption and does that worry you?

Most adoptions now-a-days are open adoptions. Open adoption just means that you know who the birth parents are and they know you. There are varying degrees of openness, from only knowing first names to seeing each other every month.

How long is the process?

It depends. You have to wait to get picked by a birth mother. I have heard of it happening in weeks and others who have waited 4 years. We were told the average is about 2 years.

How do you start the adoption process?

First, start saving your money. Lots of places require partial payment up front...then you have to decide what type of adoption you are doing and how you want to go about doing that. If you decide domestic, there are 3 main routes you can take:

• Hire an adoption agency--they do most of the work for you, but are the most expensive, and you will have to hire a lawyer as well

• Hire a Lawyer--you do most of the work and they are cheaper (usually) but could take longer

• Go to your state Social Services--they are "free", and you could get money from the state to help pay for the care of the child, but you very rarely get infants

If you do International, you can go through an agency or a lawyer.

What agency are you using?

We are using an agency through our church, LDS Family Services. Our church subsidizes the cost, and they provide counseling and other needs for the birth mothers for free.

How much does it cost?

Our agency charges 10% of your gross annual income as reported on your taxes, with the minimum of $4,000 and max of $10,000. There are also lawyer and court fees on top of that.

Were you scared the birth mother would change her mind?

Always. We heard so many stories of adoptions falling through, even after the child had been placed with the family. It was difficult to keep that out of our minds. Ben and I decided though that we would celebrate every good thing that would come our way. If something sad happened, then we would be sad, but we didn't want to spend all our time worried and scared.

Domestic or international?

I would love to do international, but it is very expensive and difficult. We don’t meet a lot of the requirements that other countries have for international adoption, but we may in the future.

Newborn or older?

When we first started the process we only wanted a newborn, but now that we have Ari, we are open to any child that would be younger than the amount of time we have been married. (Does that make sense?)

Worried about contact with birth family when child gets older?

At first I was, but now I am more worried about lack of contact with the birth family. I think it is very important to a child’s identity to know their birth parents and have some relationship with them. I think it will only strengthen my relationship with the child, and I welcome any good influence into my child’s life.

Would you do it again?

We are :) and hopefully will again...

Did you want a boy or a girl?

How about both :) I’ll take twins! A boy would be great because then I would have one of each, but a little sister for Ari would also be wonderful.

How do you deal with the birthmother/family?

We have a great relationship with Arianna’s birth family. I keep this blog to help them know how she is doing and we even arrange times to get together. They have been very patient with me as I have figured out my role as a mom and have welcomed us into their family.

Do you know the health history?

We were given a health history that Arianna’s birth mother filled out, and we are able to call or text if we have any questions.

How do you make sure everything is done right legally?

Get a good lawyer, do your own research, and know the laws for the state that you are adopting in and the state you reside in.

What if you do something wrong legally? Are you worried it might make you lose your child?

Yes, there is always a risk. I know someone who had their baby boy taken away after 6 months because the birth father hadn't been notified...but it is very important to know the laws and the risks and how they apply in your individual case.

When do you get a baby?

Each state is different. In Missouri you have to have a court hearing in order to receive custody of the child. You have to wait until the child is born, then set up a court date, then after the hearing you can take the child home.

We are hoping to adopt again!

So if you haven't noticed, I have been doing an overhaul of the blog because I am trying to get it ready for more traffic...
We have been approved by LDS Family Services to start the adoption process. We have a completed home-study and are ready for a baby, so all we have to do is wait...
It took about a year from the time that we were approved to when Arianna was born. We have been told that it usually takes longer to get your second child so we anticipate having to wait a few years. BUT we can maybe shorten that with your help. 
We don't have to just sit and wait twiddling our thumbs...we need to get our information out there. Please pass on our profile or this blog information to your friends and family. If you know of anyone who is thinking of placing their child for adoption they can contact us schoenan@gmail.com or our case worker, Paul Gale, at GalePR@ldsfamilyservices.org. 
We are excited to start this process again! 
I have a few goals for this blog, the first is to keep up with friends,  family, and birth-families, second is to let perspective birth-parents get to know us better, and third is to be some kind of help to other adoptive families. So along those lines please feel free to ask any questions about us, the adoption process, or anything you might want to know. I am going to try to do a FAQ post within the next week, so ask away! 
Thank you so much for all your love and support! 

Here we all are at the Cardinals Game...we had a blast!

Adoption Day!

Arianna is officially adopted!

We woke up early this morning and drove to Plattsburg (about 3.5 hours away). Ari didn't cry once on the trip! We spent about an hour in the court house. Ari kept everyone entertained and smiling with her squawks. Our lawyer told us it would be great if she did it in the court room...and she did...She had the judge laughing and the court recorder couldn't hear the questions our lawyer was asking Ben. 

She did great on the drive back, and actually slept for a hour :)

Ari is ours, we will get a new birth certificate in the mail with our names on it and we will be able to be sealed to her on Friday...Happy Week!!

Visit to Kansas City

Ari and Aunt Lissa

We took our first road trip as a family, complete with staying in a hotel and everything! Ari doesn't really like to sleep in her carseat, I think it is because she is used to sleeping on her stomach. I did find that if I "rocked" the carseat while we were driving she could fall asleep for 30-40 minutes. So I spent a lot of time in the backseat. 

I have decided that getting a suite is totally worth it when you have a baby...especially when you are bottle feeding, the large sink, fridge and freezer made things so much easier! Ari liked the hotel room too...She slept for 12 hours straight the night that we were in the hotel...an amazing feat considering she wasn't in her own bed.
*Side note* The weather has been so wacky and Ari has been growing like crazy that I didn't have very many long-sleeves clothes for her to wear, but luckily a good family friend sent her the cute pink outfit! Thank you so much!

We spent a lot of time with family and with Arianna's birth parents. Friday night Lindsey and her family met us at the hotel and spent some time getting to know Ari.We were able to meet up with Tyson on Saturday afternoon.

Ari and Lindsey

Ari and Tyson

Family Picture in front of the Kansas City temple

We are so excited to have another temple in Missouri. To me the temple is the most peaceful place on Earth. It is a wonderful place for instruction and reflection. If you would like to learn more click here.

The Beginning (part 2)

Ben and I got back from Jordan and moved into a small apartment in Provo. It was my last year of school and the most stressful. Ben had a year and a half left and the only money in the bank was the student loans we took out. We both got part time jobs. I cleaned offices and homes while Ben fixed computers. We settled into a nice rhythm but were always hoping and expecting more.
Fall semester I was doing one of my practicums. That is when you go to class for a few weeks, then teach in the school for a few weeks, then back to the university to finish up the year. Things were so stressful and hard that I considered quitting teaching and changing my major. On top of that each month would go by and we would hope and pray that I was pregnant. But I wasn't. There were times that I was late and felt "sick" or early and thought it was implantation bleeding...Your mind can really play tricks on you when you want something so badly. There was even a time that I threw up for no reason...It was horrible.
Ben and I couldn't explain it and it was difficult to find peace, we just thought it would take time. We would leave it up to the Lord.
We had made plans to move out the California for the summer and sell pest control. We needed the money to pay off debt and we had some good friends who were also going. Because I was graduating in April I knew that I would lose the good insurance that was provided by the school, so we decided to go to the Dr. to find out if anything was wrong.
Most doctors won't see you for infertility until you have been trying for at least a year. It had been less than that for us, but when we explained our situation he made an exception. He ran some tests and on the day I locked my keys in the car and Ben found out he didn't get the CIA position he was hoping for (that was really a blessing, but we didn't know it at the time), we found out that it would be nearly impossible for us to get pregnant "naturally."
I think that is the biggest blow we have ever received in our marriage...and it hit hard.
Ok sad part of the story, but remember it all turned out well and we have a beautiful daughter...

The Beginning...(part 1)

It is difficult to find time to write here. I feel like I am either holding, burping, feeding, changing Ari or cleaning up the mess that the burping, feeding and changing has made. But it is Sunday, a day for resting from our labors, so yes, my house is a mess, but I get to write part of our story! (and notice it didn't get published until Tuesday :)
This a going to get personal. I have debated about how much detail I should go into here, but I keep thinking, "If I had read someone else's story when I went through all of this, it would have helped." So, I want to help anyone who is struggling with infertility or maybe a birthmom who is still trying to make her decision. Here is my and my husband's story. This is what we had to go through to have our beautiful little girl...
Ben and I were married December 27th 2005, after we had dated for a little less than a year. Both of us wanted a big family, the only thing we had to decide on was when...Ben was majoring in Arabic and Middle Eastern Studies and needed to do a study abroad to complete his major. We signed up to go the summer after we got married. The idea of getting pregnant and being in the middle east truly frightened me, so we decided we would wait before trying to have kids. This is a decision I regret, not the decision itself, but the motivation behind it...I was scared. I didn't pray, I didn't ask the Lord, I was just too scared. I could have had the peace that infertility was all part of the Lord's plan, but I didn't leave it up to Him, I made the decision. I still am left with the question of "What if?" What's done is done and I have learned a valuable lesson...make decisions with the Lord and if things don't turn out like you thought they would, they are still part of His plan, have faith. It this lesson, make decisions with faith not fear that actually helped to prompt us to talk to the Birth Father and get Ari...the Lord works in mysterious ways.

On the Nile River

Ok back to our story...Ben and I left for Jordan in April of 2006. It was the most wonderful trip we have ever taken, I would go back in a heartbeat. I felt more at home there than I had almost anywhere else. It was there that I had an experience that changed my heart and I had the faith to start a family. We were out walking one evening (that is the only cool part of the day) and people slowly began coming out of their homes with their families to play and talk in the streets. I have never really seen anything like it...this community was completely focused on family. We were surrounded by chatter and laughter that echoed in my brain. This is what I wanted, this was the life that I wanted to lead...my fear left. I wanted a family.
While we were in Jordan we got phone calls from two different friends to announce that they were pregnant. We were excited that we would all probably be having kids around the same time, but also a little disappointed that it hadn't happened yet...but it just takes time right?

Arianna's Birth

This is a birth story from the perspective of an adoptive parent. Still, it will have words like dilated and effaced, if that bothers you, read the next post.

Lindsey's mom called us on Wed. December 21st to tell us that Lindsey had fallen down the stairs. She was alright, but had some regular contractions. She said they would watch it and let us know if anything happened. Later that night they went to the hospital but Lindsey was only dilated to a 1 so they sent her home. She went to the doctor later that day and she said everything was fine and she didn't expect the baby until January.

(This was taken the morning before she went into labor)

Even after hearing the baby wasn't expected soon, the incident kind of gave me the "push" I needed to get everything ready. My sister-in-law came over Thursday afternoon and helped me to get the nursery organized and ready. Then Friday I concentrated on the house. I cleaned, organized, did laundry, and packed our luggage...I also went to the store and bought last minute items: onesies and snacks for the trip. Ben made a fabulous dinner while I finished things up around the house. After we did the dishes, so everything was clean, we decided to run some errands. I remember thinking that I must be crazy; the house didn't need to be that clean; it would just get messed up tomorrow, and the baby wasn't coming for weeks! But I felt ready, so it was worth it...Well I am so glad I did.
We were about finished with our errands when we drove past Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. The 'Hot Now' sign was on so we decided to stop and get a doughnut. Literally as the worker was handing us doughnuts, Lindsey's mom called to say her water broke...I think the doughnut is still in the car...I couldn't eat or think after that. We rushed home and got the car packed and were on the road in 15 minutes. (It was a good thing I had our bags packed and snacks already...)
The drive to St. Joesph normally takes about 4 hours. Ben and I decided that speeding was acceptable and we would pay whatever tickets we got...We started calling family and friends letting them know that Arianna was on her way.
At the same time Lindsey's mom was texting me updates on her progress. They checked into the hospital and Lindsey was dilated to a 4 at 8:39pm. Then at 9:02pm I got the text that Lindsey was at a 9 and pushing. Then we got this text at 9:17pm "7lbs 4oz 20 1/2 inches long." Arianna really wanted to get into this world! Lindsey's labor was about an hour and 45 minutes!

We made it to the hospital around 11:30 and got to hold our beautiful daughter.
Lindsey's mom keeps a blog and if you would like to read their version of the story you can read it here.

Arianna is Home!

We were able to bring Arianna home on Thursday December 29th. That day was a total emotional rollar coaster. We were able to get a court date for that morning and had assumed that it would go smoothly and we would be able to be on our way home by noon...It wasn't that easy. The birth father, Tyson, came to the court house and wanted very much to be a father to Arianna. We were told there was nothing else for us to do but walk away...The Lord blessed us and touched Tyson's heart. He and his mother agreed to talk with us, and after an amazing conversation Tyson consented to the adoption. We were very touched by the love that he had for a daughter he had never met. We invited him and his family to the hospital to meet Arianna when we checked her out...

It was one of the most wonderful scenes I have ever witnessed. Arianna will now have the opportunity to know both her birth-mother and birth-father. I cannot think of a better beginning to this adoption. Miracles were worked and lives were changed.
Arianna is now home and we are figuring out how life is supposed to work. My family came down the visit and we invited all Ben's siblings over to meet her...Tomorrow will be the first "normal" day of our new life...we will see how it goes...

Legal Stuff...

Ari was born on December 23rd, at 9:13pm. If she had even been born a few hours earlier, we would have been able to contact the court and have a judge on-call for Tuesday. But as it stands she has had a nice long hospital stay. We are grateful that it has not been medically warranted.
We met with our lawyer yesterday and are beginning to understand the process better. We will go to court tomorrow morning, where if everything goes well, we will be granted temporary custody of Arianna. We will then be able to go back to the hospital and have her discharged to us. The next steps depend largely on the birth father, who to this point has not consented to the adoption. If all goes well we will go back to court at the end of June to have the adoption finalized. At finalization we will receive a new birth certificate.
Advice to Adoptive parents:

• have your lawyers cell phone number, pressure him for it if you have to...
  
• have your bags packed early!
• have a good relationship with the birth mother and her family if possible
• make sure you keep all your paperwork and receipts for everything, you will never know when you need them (even though they will keep telling you, you don't need anything)
• know the court process for the county you will be filing in...each county is different, and each judge is different
• make sure you give the birth mother the space she needs after having the baby

  

We will have more advice and thoughts as we go through this process!

Hospital Stay

As I write this, we are sitting with Arianna in the hospital. The staff here has been so wonderful to us in this difficult situation. The birthmom was discharged from the hospital on Sunday, but Ari had to stay until we could go to court and get custody. We originally thought that the courts would be able to fit us in on Tuesday, but we found out yesterday that the judge is out of town and will not be back until Thursday. It has been a mes,s but we have truly been blessed throughout it...
Ari stays in the nursery at night and with us during the day. If there is a room available in the hospital, we are allowed to stay in it with Arianna during the day. If not, we are in a tiny room just bigger than a closet. Arianna is doing well. It is wonderful that we are able to spend time with her.

Adoption

We are starting this blog to help keep in touch with family, friends and the birth family. We also hope that this blog will be a help to other adoptive parents or birthmothers. We are happy to answer or explain anything you have questions on, just ask!
We are adopting with LDS Family Services. It is a service offered by our church. We started the paperwork in Oct. of 2010. We were approved to be candidates for adoption in Jan of 2011, and we were chosen by Lindsey, the birthmom, to care for her baby in Aug. of 2011. The baby was due Jan. 7 but she was born on Dec. 23. She was the most wonderful Christmas present we could have ever received. She is healthy and happy and we are in the middle of trying to get temporary custody. As long as there is a story I will try to keep this updated...