(Part 1)
It has taken me almost 2 years to put this story to paper,
partly because I wanted to see where everything would lead. I wanted to say,
“And they lived Happily Ever After.” I also wanted to keep everything private.
I have now realized that we are not alone in our experiences. This is not a
rare occurrence, and there are other people out there who could benefit from
this story.
In February 2012, we were approached by a couple who Ben had
done some computer work for and became friends with. They told us that they
were fostering three children ages 4, 5, and 6 and they would be available for
adoption in a few months. They approached us because they knew we were in the
process of adopting our daughter Ari and that I was planning on homeschooling.
Because of the circumstances when the children entered care and their special
needs, they felt that homeschooling would be the best option.
At this time I thought that it was a sad story, but there
wasn’t much I could do. We lived in a small house, had a brand new baby, and
had just started a new business that was barely supporting us. We said we
didn’t think we were interested, but they kept us updated. They contacted us
again in August when the termination of parental rights was about to be
finalized and told us that these three needed a forever home. Again, we didn’t think we could handle three
kids, especially with special needs, but we felt like we should be involved. We kept in contact and heard about a family
who was interested in adopting them. The children went for a week “vacation” to
their house and the older 2 did very well with their other children. However, Deven,
the youngest, had a hard time “meshing” with the family.
I remember the feelings of turmoil at this time. What were we
supposed to do? We couldn’t take all three, the other family didn’t want all
three, and the state didn’t think there was another option. I remember talking
to a good friend on the phone explaining the dilemma and she suggested that we
try to pursue adopting just Deven. It
was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I knew that was right and
what we needed to do. We contacted our friends and the children’s social worker
and tried to get the ball rolling. We found a bigger house and moved the first
week of October. We continued to keep contact with everyone involved, but
trying to get custody of Deven never seemed to be going anywhere. Finally, our
friends decided to give their notice that they couldn’t foster the three
children any longer in order to try to move the process along. It did move it a
long, just not how we wanted it to. We got a lot of pressure from the social worker
to take all three children. We gave her a firm no and told her we would love to
take Deven. The other family wanted to take the older two, and we thought it
would be a good arrangement.
Let me take a break from the personal to explain some
policy. There have been a few laws that have been passed that make it difficult
to separate sibling groups. They have to show that it is in the best interest
of all the children and that it would cause harm for them to stay together. We
felt that this requirement had been met. Doctors, psychiatrists, and the foster
family all recommended separation, but the social worker didn’t feel that
separation could be justified.
The other family was receiving the same pressure we were to
take all three. They were better suited to care for more children, so they decided
to take Deven also. That was the end of it.
I was devastated. I felt that I had lost the child that was meant for me. I
knew I was supposed to be his mom, but there was nothing I could do.
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