These are some questions that Ben and I have been asked in regards to the adoption process. I have tried to keep my answers short, but if you want any more detail or have any other questions, leave a comment.
What made you decide
to adopt?
About a year after we were married, we found out that we
could not have children naturally and infertility treatments weren't the right
direction for us. We decided to pursue adoption.
What is an open adoption
and does that worry you?
Most adoptions now-a-days are open adoptions. Open adoption just means
that you know who the birth parents are and they know you. There are varying
degrees of openness, from only knowing first names to seeing each other every
month.
How long is the
process?
It depends. You have to wait to get picked by a birth mother.
I have heard of it happening in weeks and others who have waited 4 years. We
were told the average is about 2 years.
How do you start the
adoption process?
First, start saving your money. Lots of places require partial payment up front...then you have to decide what type of adoption you are doing
and how you want to go about doing that. If you decide domestic, there are 3
main routes you can take:
- Hire an adoption agency--they do most of the work for you, but are the most expensive, and you will have to hire a lawyer as well
- Hire a Lawyer--you do most of the work and they are cheaper (usually) but could take longer
- Go to your state Social Services--they are "free", and you could get money from the state to help pay for the care of the child, but you very rarely get infants
If you do International, you can go through an agency or a
lawyer.
What agency are you
using?
We are using an agency through our church, LDS Family Services. Our church subsidizes the cost, and they provide counseling and other
needs for the birth mothers for free.
How much does it
cost?
Our agency charges 10% of your gross annual income as
reported on your taxes, with the minimum of $4,000 and max of $10,000. There are also lawyer and court fees on top of that.
Were you scared the
birth mother would change her mind?
Always. We heard so many stories of adoptions falling through,
even after the child had been placed with the family. It was difficult to
keep that out of our minds. Ben and I decided though that we would celebrate
every good thing that would come our way. If something sad happened, then we
would be sad, but we didn't want to spend all our time worried and scared.
Domestic or
international?
I would love to do international, but it is very expensive
and difficult. We don’t meet a lot of the requirements that other countries
have for international adoption, but we may in the future.
Newborn or older?
When we first started the process we only wanted a newborn,
but now that we have Ari, we are open to any child that would be younger than the amount
of time we have been married. (Does that make sense?)
Worried about contact
with birth family when child gets older?
At first I was, but now I am more worried about lack of
contact with the birth family. I think it is very important to a child’s
identity to know their birth parents and have some relationship with them. I think
it will only strengthen my relationship with the child, and I welcome any good
influence into my child’s life.
Would you do it
again?
We are :) and hopefully will again...
Did you want a boy or
a girl?
How about both :) I’ll take twins! A boy would be great because
then I would have one of each, but a little sister for Ari would also be
wonderful.
How do you deal with
the birthmother/family?
We have a great relationship with Arianna’s birth family. I
keep this blog to help them know how she is doing and we even arrange times to
get together. They have been very patient with me as I have figured out my role
as a mom and have welcomed us into their family.
Do you know the
health history?
We were given a health history that Arianna’s birth mother
filled out, and we are able to call or text if we have any questions.
How do you make sure
everything is done right legally?
Get a good lawyer, do your own research, and know the laws for
the state that you are adopting in and the state you reside in.
What if you do
something wrong legally? Are you worried it might make you lose your child?
Yes, there is always a risk. I know someone who had their
baby boy taken away after 6 months because the birth father hadn't been notified...but it is very important to know the laws
and the risks and how they apply in your individual case.
When do you get a
baby?
Each state is different. In Missouri you have to have a
court hearing in order to receive custody of the child. You have to wait until
the child is born, then set up a court date, then after the hearing you can take
the child home.
